In almost any online or multiplayer gaming experience, you’ll have to cope with the joy of having someone whose goal in life is to make yours miserable. It’s simply a part of gaming, and a horrible one at that. You may just want to play a game of Halo, but you’re stuck in a match with people who reap pleasure from your misery. The eye-opening realization that these people want nothing more than to watch you suffer will certainly frustrate, if not anger, you. But the question remains, will you start griefing other players in kind? Below I’ve compiled a list of the top five most abused game mechanics that surely every master troll knows how to exploit.
5. The Crouch: Nothing says love like an armor-plated crotch in your face
The crouch is an essential maneuver in games such as Call of Duty and Halo, but surprisingly enough, people rarely abuse it in standard online matches. Rather, the misuse of this simple control thrives in the basements of your so-called friends when you have private matches. I was in elementary school when I experienced the joy of having a friend in Halo bash me across the head and then proceed to crouch over the face of my character’s corpse over and over again. It only got better when a couple of other friends playing on the opposite team joined in over my lifeless body. I had the closest thing to an out of body experience when I revived and found at least one friend still at it. Admittedly, them “teabagging” me was a sign of our friendship, and I was quick to show the mutual affection.
4. Shield Use: Breaking down barriers so that love is free for all
If you’ve played Demon’s Souls or Dark Souls you probably have come to respect the shield and the life saving protection it offers. However, there have been so many invasions or red stone summons in which I was greeted by players, generally more than one, spamming the shield up to create a mock orgy. Imagine: You’re invading for your first time. You’re psyched, willing to do probably anything to claim victory, like hiding or using enemies to assist you. You’ve also heard the horror stories of three allies literally surrounding your spawn point, preventing movement as they hack you apart, so you’re anxious. Your character begins to spawn and you see three people rapidly shifting their shield up and down from their hip. You are dumbfounded. You wonder – what are they doing? Oh… humping. Yep, they’re humping you. If you find it off-putting as a greeting, you’ll find it a lovely goodbye gift as they proceed to celebrate over your character’s fading body. Given the game’s penchant for torture, I wouldn’t be surprised if the creators postponed respawning just so we could suffer through more of this lewd display.
3. Duplicating Items: Hoarding goes digital
Item manipulation cheats are frequently used just to make games a bit easier for you and others. Perhaps you’ll give away the duplicates to new players, or maybe you’ll sell them to amass a fortune rather than grind for hours. Griefers, on the other hand, have found a fun way to make people hate this mechanic. Dark Souls gets to greet this list again, because veterans of the game tend to bring weapons and armors earned on a past account over to a new account just to heckle with new players on the lower levels. There are two ways such gamers will proceed to bother you if you’re new or just don’t use this glitch. One way is they come in with lightning weapons and murder you to a pulp. The other is that they come in half naked with a dark fist, so you have a slim hope of victory, but these players tend to be pretty good, so it’s like they’re playing with their food. People like to justify this cruelty under the sense that it is an initiation into the game. Trust me, just invading someone on a low level is initiation enough.
2. Deconstructing: They huff and puff and ruin 120 hours of your hard work
Anyone who’s touched Minecraft has probably been griefed more than once. The game may be meant for creation, but when deconstruction is essential to construction, things were bound to go crazy. Though administrators have cracked down pretty hard on griefing to ensure the core essence of the game remains intact, trolls still find a myriad of ways to wreak havoc on gamers. It’s tough to swallow the fact that your home has been destroyed and all the loot you’d been gathering over time stolen. If you have a swear jar, you’ve probably lost a few (hundred) dollars to it. However, when such devastating acts are committed in a game, a few souls like to be pro-active about stopping them. The amount of people dedicated to anti-griefing has grown, and it’s a beautiful thing. Anti-griefers make most gamers’ lives easier, as they turn the tables on those up to mischief. But you can’t deny the truth, anti-griefers love doing what they do, because it at least pisses someone off. And thus, the cycle of grief continues.
1. Spawn Point Griefing: No one ever said reincarnation would be easy
Spawning points are essential for most multiplayer matches. Cruelly, in some games people can track down a spawn point and make another person’s life a living nightmare. Spawning in 5,4,3,2,1. DEAD. Spawning in 5,4,3,2,1. DEAD. I usually shut down if I die immediately after spawning three times in a row. Only a person with an exceptionally sadistic god-complex could joyfully watch over a spawn point and make it impossible for other gamers to play. Thank you, whoever you are, for being that kid tormenting ants on the sidewalk with the magnifying glass. If your excuse for doing it is that there are ways to get out of such traps, just be aware that you’re creating an exclusive environment. Believe it or not, new players join games all the time, and telling them, “You can’t get out because you suck,” just pours salt on the wound. This behavior prevents people from enjoying the game, and can easily turn them away from playing it again.
Thanks to video games I now know the answer to the classic question, “What if god was one of us?” That person would screw me over. Then bring me back to life to do it again and again. If you’re lucky enough you’ll even get to hear the gleeful cheering or laughter of the person lording over you. Who doesn’t want to hear their tormentor over a crackling audio? Well, thank you griefers for answering an age old question of mine, and I can’t wait to find out the ways I’ll be mistreated in Dark Souls 2. Who knows, maybe you’ll be the first person to surround my spawn point with friends, backstab me as your allies prevent me from running, and then join in a group orgy over my fallen character.
Header Image Credit: Planet Minecraft